Smoke screen

“Having an elder brother who is pursuing a PhD in high energy physics was an inspiration to me. I was fascinated by string theory and wanted to work in the same field for my research. However fate had other plans; I ended up studying condensed matter physics for my PhD program.

PhD was always my dream but having been diagnosed with schizophrenia during my undergraduate days made it challenging. Early signs began during my Bachelor’s. I remember this one incident when I was with a group of friends, and I started talking to someone who was not there. My friends catcalled me and bullied me, but it was the first time I was genuinely scared for myself. When I told my family about this incident, most of them brushed it off without giving it a second thought. It was only my mother who took it upon herself and took me to the doctor where I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. During the initial days, my father was in denial of the issue but over time, I think he understood the gravity of the situation.

One of the challenging parts of living with schizophrenia is that most of the time I am imagining or misinterpreting or writing things that no one can decipher. It took me a great deal of energy to train my brain to remember things and assure myself whatever was happening was real and not imaginary. In fact, I had to take a gap year after my Bachelor’s to help navigate through the symptoms. Simple tasks which came easily to others were extremely taxing to me. Medication is the only available treatment to suppress the symptoms of schizophrenia but since most of them are sleep inducing, it keeps me in a constant drowsy haze. So, I need to time the medicines in a way that they do not interfere with my actual working hours.

Regardless of all the hurdles, my PhD life has been extremely rewarding. I have an excellent supervisor. He is aware of my condition and the challenges associated with it. I need to be constantly assured that I am not hallucinating and the work that I think I am doing is actually completed and not a figment of my imagination. My supervisor will often sit with me to ensure that I am in the right mindset to be working and often double-check my work to ensure I am on the right track with my project.

Opening to people about my conditions was very liberating to me. When I came for my PhD program, I was very open to my friends…